A Two-Way Street.

Relationships are a two-way street. They are mutually beneficial, enjoyable, and sacrificial experiences. Any good dancer knows that to lead a partner, making it easy to anticipate each step and move in beautiful unison. Similarly, when we pursue relationships not just as our own goal, but with both participants in mind, we create an environment that sets us up for success.

The art of life is to find somebody whose brokenness fits ours and we can accommodate each other and grow together. Life is like dancing on a moving floor, as soon as we get used to it, it moves. Everything continues to change, and we can’t be so sure of ourselves because our life keeps evolving. We want someone who’s liquid with us and who will go and grow with us.

As a naturally independent person, it takes time and practice to begin to think beyond our perspective and beyond what we can control, but this is the very art of dance. While our motives for independence may seem innocent like avoiding being a burden on people, it’s interdependence, not independence, is where relationship thrives.

A relationship is made up of two people with different experiences who come together with mutual feelings. Those feelings mean more than love. We are not in love if we haven’t tested each other’s values. We need to have a common belief structure. Their dreams should become ours and their priorities should blend with ours to create a shared belief system.

Everyone wants to feel needed by their loved ones, at least to some degree. Leaning and depending on one another is a key to building trust and cultivating love. When we allow ourselves to be needed, to be depended upon and not just look to get our needs met, we will come alive.

It is a commitment to a person. Each person we are friends with also only has so many friends, so in their time of need, we are one of the few people they can hope for help to come from. It is an injustice to enjoy a friend and fail to be faithful to them when push comes to shove, this is not a relationship; this is using people for our benefit.

The key is not in how selfless we can be, but how we can change our mindset from ‘I’ to ‘us’. From individual to partnership. To lead a relationship into love means leading two people, not just one. It is not enough for us to be vulnerable with our spouse or friends, we need to give them opportunities to be vulnerable with us by asking good questions, being a safe place, and being a good listener. Thinking mutually is how we create environments that cultivate love and relationships.

Emotional Connection.

Relationships cannot thrive without an emotional connection between the partners. It is the anchor that allows a partnership to weather any storm and sail seamlessly on calm waters. We are hardwired for connection, and it makes us feel safe and secure, like we are seen, heard, and taken in.

Before we can develop an emotional connection with someone else, we need to have one with ourselves. We must be able to identify and name our emotions, needs, and desires. It’s hard to feel an emotional connection to someone when we don’t understand our own emotions and values.

Physical attraction is a superficial emotion that begins the journey toward an emotional connection and love. It is a bundle of subjective feelings that come together to create a bond between two people. We arouse strong feelings of joy, love, happiness, excitement, or any of the many emotions that humans experience.

We meet and delve into learning as much about each other as possible to create an emotional connection. Through thoughtful and caring communication, we each learn the intricacies of the other. We learn what makes him or her happy, angry and what brings each other to our knees in joyful celebration.

We share funny stories of what happened at work and bad days when everything went wrong. We are both willing to give each other peeks into childhood dreams and adult aspirations. The conversation flows easily from one to the other. Even in silence, we feel at ease, and we share anything without fear that he or she will flee, and they feel the same.

We learn what brings us to tears, what causes a smile, and what frustrates us. We each learn the essence of the other and feel compassion and empathy or share the emotion.  We are willing to become vulnerable with each other. Allowing someone into our inner sanctum of secrets, pain and joy means taking risks.

A risk of this magnitude demands trust. When trust is betrayed, the healing is long and arduous. We fall in love when a strong attachment bond is formed. We stay in love by maintaining the bond. Without a strong emotional connection, the road to love is blocked. When the attachment breaks or becomes neglected, love falls to the wayside.

Emotional connections are complex and subjective but bring so much to a relationship table. Without building a strong bond, a relationship cannot advance from a simple friendship. 

Remaining in a relationship without any emotional connection means one or both people will end up feeling as if something is missing. And they would be right. In this case, a strong chain binds two people together and develops into a deep, abiding love that stands the test of time.

Commitment.

Relationships are fulfilling, but they can also be hard. Everyone looks for something different in a significant other, and finding the right match requires work on both sides. The bubble of the first few weeks of dating someone new can be exciting, but it may lead to bigger questions about whether we are in a committed relationship.

• A committed relationship is one in which we and our partner intentionally say yes to a future together, and that yes is preceded by conversations about future hopes, dreams and plans for ourselves and the relationship itself.

• It is what we and our significant other have mutually decided it is.

• It’s supporting and respecting that vision for each other. It may involve compromising and being willing to consider a viewpoint different from our own. It also involves each of us agreeing to care for each other the same way that we care for ourselves as if the two of us were one.

• It requires that each partner choose it. No one should force us to commit to something we are not in agreement with. What comes from the heart must come from each person of their own free will. It is about feelings, thoughts, and actions. Actions speak louder than words, thoughts, or feelings.

• A commitment to a relationship is asking us to step up, step in, and do things differently. It asks that we commit to being better than we were; to scale the climb before us. The decisions we make today determine who we are tomorrow, and how we show up each day as partners in our personal lives.

• Both partners must be in it to win it. We both need to have the same level of expectations and definitions of what a commitment means. It has us questioning the familiar narrative in our heads, the emotions associated with whom we believe we are, and how we in a world that keeps throwing us curves reach new heights of success in our relationship. 

• It means we take responsibility and own our outcome. It means we affirm our promise to ourselves and our partner for whom we bear responsibility, that we can and will do things differently, and that it starts from within.

It means we pull our boots on, shoulder the pack, and move forward toward something that will undoubtedly make us at times uncertain and uncomfortable, and challenge us constantly. But we can overcome, knowing all the while, that once we decide to commit, the universe will conspire to make it happen.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

It would be difficult to hear the word Respect or see a respected article, and not think of the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, who sadly left us recently at age 76. 

Aretha had an extraordinary career, winning 18 Grammy Awards and selling more than 75 million records worldwide. Of course, her signature song was entitled, “Respect.” And the most familiar phrase of the song is R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

• The history of the struggle for civil rights throughout the world is the struggle to win respect from others. The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

• We are all created equal and are endowed by our Creator with life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Without respect, these rights will be missing. And if these rights are missing, respect will be missing too. They exist together.

• Until we listen to others’ concerns, we will not know who they are and what’s important to them. Respect begins with listening. When we give another person our time our focus and our ear, we validate them. Which conveys respect.

• Simply affirming others virtually guarantees that we respect them. To affirm them, we just must notice something positive about that person and verbalise this observation. When we affirm others, we’re giving evidence that they matter. That they have value. That they’re important. And that they’re worthy of respect.

• Kindness is an expression of respect. Respect for the fact that someone else is simply in need. We have all been in need. And what a relief it was when someone showed us kindness. Kindness is a tangible way of showing respect.

• An act of politeness can change a person’s day. It can even change a person’s life. It can lift their spirits instantly. It can help them press on through what may be difficult. Some cultures in the world are known for their politeness. Other cultures are known for their rudeness.

• Life on earth is about serving others. Our professions, our careers, and our jobs should revolve around a desire to serve others. To give back to others. To use our talents and abilities to make life better for others. Serving shows that we care. And caring shows that we respect. Serving is an important element in showing respect. 

There should be serious reluctance to maintain a relationship that does not offer respect. We don’t like to be treated badly. We don’t like to be demeaned, devalued, dishonoured, and disrespected. If our relationship lacks respect, it is almost certainly an unhealthy one. Toxic relationships nearly always have a lack of respect as a common element.

Self-Awareness.

The road to self-awareness is a journey. The most self-aware people see themselves on a quest to mastery rather than at a particular destination. As we move forward in developing our self-awareness, we ask ourselves regularly, how we will move towards the best version of ourselves today.

• Self-awareness is our ability to focus on ourselves and how our actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don’t align with our internal standards. We objectively evaluate ourselves, manage our emotions, align our behaviour with our values, and understand correctly how others perceive us.

• It comes from interaction with others in a conversation. A conversation is a dance of minds and personalities where communication happens on a deeply meaningful level. To get there we need to listen. Listening is key to all effective communication. Without the ability to listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood.

• Just like a good scientist is curious about the world and lets their natural curiosity and observations guide them, and later theorise and experiment their observation and analysis, we have a curiosity about our minds and inner world. We wonder about overarching beliefs that motivate others behaviour.

• Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our life and we will call it fate. To be self-aware is to note what we have and don’t. It’s to take the reins of our life in our hands and stop hoping for better. We can start working on making things better.

• Confidence is deciding we’re unstoppable, not that we’ll never fail. Some say knowledge is power. But not all knowledge was born equal. Knowledge about us is true power. It gives us confidence and will contribute to accepting failure.

• The most important conversations we’ll ever have are the ones we’ll have with ourselves. We are what we do and think. If we are a pessimist, chances are we’ve told ourselves we were time and time again. Internal conversations shape whom we become. Have insightful ones and our life will become just as insightful.

Developing self-awareness will not change our life. What it will do is provide us with the opportunity to transform. Whether we decide to do it is now in our hands.